In the end, I realised it's all about how I feel. I. Me. This blog, stained with every bloody thing about me. (it is my blog, but it feels disgustingly centered around myself too much)

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I made a phone call yesterday, with the intention of making a friend feel better, but I couldn't. I couldn't fully empathise, couldn't say anything, and therefore changed the topic - all revolving around my life because these are the first things that enter my mind. I felt bad because that killed the whole point of the call.

I said, I'm sorry I kept talking about myself, I'd honestly listen if you were to rant too. And then it ended with the general hinting of how the call was just a cycle of randomness (felt I was the one who made it so) ; a goodbye ; a goodnight, the "so are you feeling better now?"

(when I played no part in making that happen, because asking if someone's better will not make the person feel better.). Now that I think of it, who says phone calls have to be non-random? They're nice like that. Just maybe not in [this] context.

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There are people who probably open up to themselves [like I would to this blog, a dead space, rather than anybody else because it makes me reflect and analyse the problem first], people who solve their own problems, not talk about them. Feed their own thoughts/imagination. They don't need people to pry them open, they don't need to be open. (So when do they need to be?)

But sometimes, these people might have things to say, and people like me, desperately trying to fill the ( spaces ) strip them of their chances to speak/share their mind/their thoughts.

What ( spaces ) are there, what spaces, they're non-existent. They are merely in their quiet space, taking their time to think, taking their time to share things. Leave home satisfied even if they don't get to share, for they are their own outlet. Also, they have other people to be their occasional outlet, might not be anybody in particular; just anybody who's able to help them with their analysis at the moment.

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We can't really help someone unless they need help/are down and vulnerable or confused, I suppose. We can't exactly help someone unless they explicitly ask for it/show they need it. So that's a point to refute all the things I've said above.

And sometimes, between friends, it's not always a (we must help each other) situation. And maybe we don't always have to feel guilty for being the one who needs help. Because the other party will willingly help and feel happy about it. They might find the value of this friendship via other ways, because they can help themselves. We don't always have to feel needed by our friends, as much as we'd like that.

I think it's not how "friends help and don't expect anything in return", it's how "friends help because they want to". We don't even need to set it under the context of (expectation). It's quite wonderful how these things work. (and I'll not think about how making others happy makes us happy, which in the end still points back at us)

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Do you call a person and say "I'm sorry I couldn't empathise with you last night, tell me your thoughts all over today - I'll be a better listener".

It's precisely what you want to do but can't. It is pointless to want to right a wrong though, we just move on and improve.

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After typing that, I managed to help someone,
that made me happy.